There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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