i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she peed on how many people?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
