dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
