First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
