my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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