i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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