2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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