just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
