This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
