he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
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Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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