Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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