enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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