like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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