also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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