Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Its about making memories worth repressing
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
