So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
