Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
