I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
