you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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