Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
