just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
