The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
