you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
