I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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