My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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