a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
