Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I see more hoeing in ur future
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