By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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