I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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