What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
