I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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