The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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