I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
