Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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