i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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