She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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