I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
