if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
