Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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