And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
