So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
