So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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