Ambien. No doubt about it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
