god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
