They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
