Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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