I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
