also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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