She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
