He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
try to milk me bitch
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
