First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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