the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
