1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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