finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
