i wish there were pregnant emoticons
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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